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I didn't realize how long it had been since my last update.
The days are flying by and I can say without a doubt that I feel almost 100% better than I did a few weeks ago.
Aside from some stiffness in my joints in the morning, I am no longer feeling the intense pain I used to feel in the hip and butt. The moods swings are gone, the irritability, the irrational thoughts and mostly just the feeling of sadness have disappeared. Holy hell I feel like myself again ! It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since my initial injury. Man what a long ass year !
I have no words really to describe how grateful I am to feel so good right now. I thought for the longest time that I was destined to leave a painfully sad life with nothing but that looming feeling over my head all the time, but all in all the patience to get through this process was well worth it.
I have more friends and family around me now than ever and it feels wonderful. Having my sister around has helped me tremendously, if for anything but moral support.
My insurance comes active on Jan. 1st and it will be time to start looking forward again and getting my right hip done. I want to take some down time though and maybe wait a good part of the year before committing. Even though my left hip feels absolutely fantastic I am worried I will be in the same position I found myself in this with this last surgery. Of course with my kidney healed and my liver enzymes going back up, it could just be a matter of time before I can truly estimate my recovery period. I have been avoiding the parathyroid issue too.
So with a new year coming up on us fast I wanted to reflect on the last year. The pain, sadness and chaos have come down to the end of the year and are ready to be leaving with it. I am looking forward to living a full life again in 2010 and I will do it, I don't have a single doubt in my mind.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Day 11
It is so hard to believe it has been 11 days now since my last dosage of medications.
I wish I could report it was a good weekend but that creepy feeling came back in my legs both Saturday and Sunday nights. I also experienced the chills something fierce. I thought by now I would be getting past the rough stuff but it appears I may have to be a little more patient.
Christmas is right around the corner and I have done absolutely nothing. It doesn't feel like it this time of year, no snow. My heart just isn't in it right now, but knowing I have yet to buy a single thing for my kids is weighing heavily on me. I am emotionally fragile right now, wondering why after almost 40 years I am alone aside from the kids. Am I really missing anything ?
I do feel sad today, heck I have felt sad for the last week thinking this feeling will never go away. The bills, the kids, the drive, a new job, Christmas .... it's like a waterfall of shit. The pressure can be so much on bad days.
There has to come a time in my life where it all comes back together. It has done nothing but fall apart since my diagnosis last April, so it's high time to get it figured out. It is time to stop hanging on hoping for a different result, that is after all the definition of insanity right ?
I must also add that I have finally sat down and got to the next chapter of my book, something I have been meaning to get to for almost a year now ! Something productive to keep my mind off of this odd road of life I am travelling. Would have been nice if someone posted a detour sign.
I wish I could report it was a good weekend but that creepy feeling came back in my legs both Saturday and Sunday nights. I also experienced the chills something fierce. I thought by now I would be getting past the rough stuff but it appears I may have to be a little more patient.
Christmas is right around the corner and I have done absolutely nothing. It doesn't feel like it this time of year, no snow. My heart just isn't in it right now, but knowing I have yet to buy a single thing for my kids is weighing heavily on me. I am emotionally fragile right now, wondering why after almost 40 years I am alone aside from the kids. Am I really missing anything ?
I do feel sad today, heck I have felt sad for the last week thinking this feeling will never go away. The bills, the kids, the drive, a new job, Christmas .... it's like a waterfall of shit. The pressure can be so much on bad days.
There has to come a time in my life where it all comes back together. It has done nothing but fall apart since my diagnosis last April, so it's high time to get it figured out. It is time to stop hanging on hoping for a different result, that is after all the definition of insanity right ?
I must also add that I have finally sat down and got to the next chapter of my book, something I have been meaning to get to for almost a year now ! Something productive to keep my mind off of this odd road of life I am travelling. Would have been nice if someone posted a detour sign.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Day 8 ....
What a difference a week can make. I honestly thought I would give in and not make it through this withdrawal process, but I can honestly say I feel pretty good today. My body was a little stiff this morning but a nice hot shower helped a ton. The drive is becoming more bearable each day and I am finding I am not so tired all the time. I actually had energy today !
The cough is still hanging with me but definitely not at the level it was. I got some cough drops for the rough times and I am drinking tons. I am still slightly cold but definitely a huge difference from the last few days. Of course today I actually wore a sweater.
I did notice at work though that I don't just blankly stare off into nothing occasionally and I am much better at staying focused on one task instead of 4. This is going to be so beneficial to me. Keeping busy I think was the biggest key to this entire process. Sure I thought about it ... a lot, but once I was doing something else my mind drifted off to other things and I could focus on something other than the pain and the general ill feeling.
I ate my first half meal last night for the first time as well. I still felt sick, nauseated beyond belief, but for once it hit later on and not immediately. Even the upset stomach is tapering down. Heck this morning I even ate half a bagel and nothing yet so far other than a slight twinge of nausea.
This morning I felt like exercising for the first time and think I may just add this as part of my morning routine. Get up 30 minutes early, walk or hit the treadmill before going off for the day. Wow, I thought about exercise ! Not the pain, not the next medication dose or how to prevent from feeling sore. That has to mean something right ?
The cough is still hanging with me but definitely not at the level it was. I got some cough drops for the rough times and I am drinking tons. I am still slightly cold but definitely a huge difference from the last few days. Of course today I actually wore a sweater.
I did notice at work though that I don't just blankly stare off into nothing occasionally and I am much better at staying focused on one task instead of 4. This is going to be so beneficial to me. Keeping busy I think was the biggest key to this entire process. Sure I thought about it ... a lot, but once I was doing something else my mind drifted off to other things and I could focus on something other than the pain and the general ill feeling.
I ate my first half meal last night for the first time as well. I still felt sick, nauseated beyond belief, but for once it hit later on and not immediately. Even the upset stomach is tapering down. Heck this morning I even ate half a bagel and nothing yet so far other than a slight twinge of nausea.
This morning I felt like exercising for the first time and think I may just add this as part of my morning routine. Get up 30 minutes early, walk or hit the treadmill before going off for the day. Wow, I thought about exercise ! Not the pain, not the next medication dose or how to prevent from feeling sore. That has to mean something right ?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Day 7
So here I am, made it a week so far.
I did wake up really stiff in the hip today but nothing a little motrin didn't help with. I am still suffering from severe body temperature issues. I have had the chills more than the hot flashes though so it has been really hard to stay warm.
I have been keeping myself as busy as possible to keep my mind off of it. I woke up coughing at about 12:30 and was able to actually fall back to sleep for a change. Last night was my first night of going to sleep without help and it was only a little rough. I think I only woke up a couple of times because of some extremely vivid dreams.
I still feel clouded and tired but I can tell I have certianly gotten past the horrible part of this process and have started to get on with life. I feel good now and I can think really clearly, when over the course of the last few months I have begun to seriously question my judgement and choices I made.
So for now I will take it for what it is and enjoy being clean from this hell. Maybe in a few days the chills will stop !
I did wake up really stiff in the hip today but nothing a little motrin didn't help with. I am still suffering from severe body temperature issues. I have had the chills more than the hot flashes though so it has been really hard to stay warm.
I have been keeping myself as busy as possible to keep my mind off of it. I woke up coughing at about 12:30 and was able to actually fall back to sleep for a change. Last night was my first night of going to sleep without help and it was only a little rough. I think I only woke up a couple of times because of some extremely vivid dreams.
I still feel clouded and tired but I can tell I have certianly gotten past the horrible part of this process and have started to get on with life. I feel good now and I can think really clearly, when over the course of the last few months I have begun to seriously question my judgement and choices I made.
So for now I will take it for what it is and enjoy being clean from this hell. Maybe in a few days the chills will stop !
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Day 5 ... again
Well I am glad to report that I am feeling slightly better today. I took 1/2 a vallium after Heather's game last night and made it all the way until 4:29AM and again woke up coughing so hard I vomitted. I decided on some non-drowsy cold medicine to calm the cough and I was able to sleep a little bit more.
The legs have subsided and I am still dealing with the clammy feeling as well as the chills every now and then, but the heating pad has helped quite a bit. My joints ache all over though !
So I would like to think I have finally made it over the worst part of it and have really started to clean my system out. My stomach is still giving me issues and I can't keep any food down yet. I did try last night with half a slice of pizza but it didn't stay very long. This morning I grabbed a tangerine and that so far agreed pretty well. I am staying very hydrated so I don't make myself sicker, but as of today I have lost 8 pounds in this process.
One day at a time ....
The legs have subsided and I am still dealing with the clammy feeling as well as the chills every now and then, but the heating pad has helped quite a bit. My joints ache all over though !
So I would like to think I have finally made it over the worst part of it and have really started to clean my system out. My stomach is still giving me issues and I can't keep any food down yet. I did try last night with half a slice of pizza but it didn't stay very long. This morning I grabbed a tangerine and that so far agreed pretty well. I am staying very hydrated so I don't make myself sicker, but as of today I have lost 8 pounds in this process.
One day at a time ....
Monday, December 14, 2009
Withdrawl ....
My updates have been few and far between due to my decision to go through the pain med withdrawal cold turkey. This started last Thursday after my update after I was told there would be no generic prescribed until my new insurance came through on Jan. 1st. As I have stated a few times, I wanted out. I did not want to have this hanging over my head anymore and I was ready.
I probably should have done more research before I did this though. I had no idea what to really expect other than a few unpleasant side effects.
Thankfully I was only on 15mg of the Oxycontin twice a day, time release. I did not abuse them in any way and took them as I was told to. The Lyrica was the same, and as I have said here I didn't really know what it was doing for me anyway.
Thursday night - I felt the first of it. I thought I was catching a cold and was sneezing like crazy. Something I had no idea was a side effect at first. The creepy crawlies soon followed at about 2am, which woke me up out of a dead sleep. I have felt that feeling before and it had me wondering if I could really do this.
Friday morning - The drive to work was horrible. My legs were crawling again, I was sleepy and could have sworn I got hit by the flu. By that time it had been almost 24 hours since my last dosage and I didn't make it through the day. I left work at 2pm thinking I was ill. Friday night I laid on the couch in agonizing pain and I couldn't sit still with my legs like they were. I soaked in the tub for a good hour and then tried to get some sleep. That went horribly. I got about 3 hours of sleep and had to head out Saturday for Heather's game.
Saturday - This is when it really hit me the worst. I coughed so hard my ribs are still sore and my stomach muscles hurt. I had the chills to the point I was playing musical chairs with my jacket and sweater. One minute I was hot and sweating and the next I was freezing and looking for any warmth. The yawning is almost stupid. I felt like I had been hit by the worst flu I have ever had and just wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to keep my mind off of it since by that time I knew exactly what it was. Heather and I went to the movies and while waiting for it to start I used the Internet on my phone and looked up just what I was going through. On the way home I stopped and grabbed some Nyquil. I figured it would help the cough and knock me out so I could get some sleep. I also had the worst stomach issues kick in that I have ever had.
Sunday - Woke up coughing so hard I vomited at about 4am. I went out and watched some TV and the crawlies started in my legs and carried all the way up my spine and past my knees. I wanted to die yesterday. I was in a sweat suit and covered with 2 blankets, freezing and then sweating back and forth. My stomach stayed upset through the entire weekend so that kept us close to home. The most I did was go with Heather to the pet store to grab some crickets for her spider, bundled up with even a knit hat on and sunglasses. I again took some Nyquil around 8:30 so I could sleep.
Today - I woke up so tired today. I was exhausted just from washing my hair in the shower. I haven't eaten a full meal in nearly 4 days and drank a diet shake for breakfast. I still have a slight case of the chills and the stomach issues are still with me. I coughed a little last night and feel so sore in my ribs. I just want to go home and lay in bed. I am sitting here at work with no desire to work or move other than to get to the restroom when I get coughing or other issues. I am feeling some slight depression and I want to cry all the time. I have been waiting for this one. The irritability is at a minimum just from the general feeling of crapiness, but I am hoping I have crossed the worst of it. Because my dosage was so small and for a short time I hope I don't become a horror story from what I have read.
I called Dr. Weingharts office and asked for assistance to get through this and was told because I no longer had insurance that they could not help me. If anyone ever reads this, please don't let a doctor convince you this medication is the way to go for any reason. They will leave you high and dry when the going gets tough and you will be faced with something you will not know how to deal with. If I had known this was what I would feel I would have asked for an alternative. One other piece of advice would be to make sure you have a support system. I am doing this completely alone and I feel so lost right now because I don't know what to do. I have no choice but to stick this out and get through it, as I am sure eventually everything will work itself out and return to normal.
I probably should have done more research before I did this though. I had no idea what to really expect other than a few unpleasant side effects.
Thankfully I was only on 15mg of the Oxycontin twice a day, time release. I did not abuse them in any way and took them as I was told to. The Lyrica was the same, and as I have said here I didn't really know what it was doing for me anyway.
Thursday night - I felt the first of it. I thought I was catching a cold and was sneezing like crazy. Something I had no idea was a side effect at first. The creepy crawlies soon followed at about 2am, which woke me up out of a dead sleep. I have felt that feeling before and it had me wondering if I could really do this.
Friday morning - The drive to work was horrible. My legs were crawling again, I was sleepy and could have sworn I got hit by the flu. By that time it had been almost 24 hours since my last dosage and I didn't make it through the day. I left work at 2pm thinking I was ill. Friday night I laid on the couch in agonizing pain and I couldn't sit still with my legs like they were. I soaked in the tub for a good hour and then tried to get some sleep. That went horribly. I got about 3 hours of sleep and had to head out Saturday for Heather's game.
Saturday - This is when it really hit me the worst. I coughed so hard my ribs are still sore and my stomach muscles hurt. I had the chills to the point I was playing musical chairs with my jacket and sweater. One minute I was hot and sweating and the next I was freezing and looking for any warmth. The yawning is almost stupid. I felt like I had been hit by the worst flu I have ever had and just wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to keep my mind off of it since by that time I knew exactly what it was. Heather and I went to the movies and while waiting for it to start I used the Internet on my phone and looked up just what I was going through. On the way home I stopped and grabbed some Nyquil. I figured it would help the cough and knock me out so I could get some sleep. I also had the worst stomach issues kick in that I have ever had.
Sunday - Woke up coughing so hard I vomited at about 4am. I went out and watched some TV and the crawlies started in my legs and carried all the way up my spine and past my knees. I wanted to die yesterday. I was in a sweat suit and covered with 2 blankets, freezing and then sweating back and forth. My stomach stayed upset through the entire weekend so that kept us close to home. The most I did was go with Heather to the pet store to grab some crickets for her spider, bundled up with even a knit hat on and sunglasses. I again took some Nyquil around 8:30 so I could sleep.
Today - I woke up so tired today. I was exhausted just from washing my hair in the shower. I haven't eaten a full meal in nearly 4 days and drank a diet shake for breakfast. I still have a slight case of the chills and the stomach issues are still with me. I coughed a little last night and feel so sore in my ribs. I just want to go home and lay in bed. I am sitting here at work with no desire to work or move other than to get to the restroom when I get coughing or other issues. I am feeling some slight depression and I want to cry all the time. I have been waiting for this one. The irritability is at a minimum just from the general feeling of crapiness, but I am hoping I have crossed the worst of it. Because my dosage was so small and for a short time I hope I don't become a horror story from what I have read.
I called Dr. Weingharts office and asked for assistance to get through this and was told because I no longer had insurance that they could not help me. If anyone ever reads this, please don't let a doctor convince you this medication is the way to go for any reason. They will leave you high and dry when the going gets tough and you will be faced with something you will not know how to deal with. If I had known this was what I would feel I would have asked for an alternative. One other piece of advice would be to make sure you have a support system. I am doing this completely alone and I feel so lost right now because I don't know what to do. I have no choice but to stick this out and get through it, as I am sure eventually everything will work itself out and return to normal.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
It's soooo colldddddd
I can not believe this weather. It was -35 below with wind chill this morning. I don't think it got above 10 all day today like it was supposed to.
The last few days have been bliss. I don't have the pain I am used to and my back feels pretty good. I officially ran out of meds today and can't refill until Jan. 1st so it really looks like I am going to have to do withdrawl cold turkey. At this point though I am not really bothered by it. I have been feeling pretty good and there is only some slight soreness. Those things I can deal with.
I love my Backjoy too ! This thing has been wonderful for my back and I can seem to function better and not feel so much stress. I use it at work right now since the seat in my car is ergonomic and I can sit the way I need to for the pressure. I am going to definitely keep this one and see if it will work long term. I even cancelled the nerve study they wanted to do to isolate the pain. Instead I let them know I am doing good and that soon, after my new insurance kicks in, that we can discuss doing the other hip.
The new job is going great and I don't feel the pressure and stress I did at the last one. I feel actually really healthy emotionally since I started a new job and got rid of some things that were causing me mental torture (aka "him"). Never again ....
I am looking forward to Christmas and spending time with my family. My sister and I grow closer all the time and I am connecting with more family members because of her. Life is great and I feel so happy now that I can move forward. It just took a little bit to get it straight in my head and heart I guess.
The last few days have been bliss. I don't have the pain I am used to and my back feels pretty good. I officially ran out of meds today and can't refill until Jan. 1st so it really looks like I am going to have to do withdrawl cold turkey. At this point though I am not really bothered by it. I have been feeling pretty good and there is only some slight soreness. Those things I can deal with.
I love my Backjoy too ! This thing has been wonderful for my back and I can seem to function better and not feel so much stress. I use it at work right now since the seat in my car is ergonomic and I can sit the way I need to for the pressure. I am going to definitely keep this one and see if it will work long term. I even cancelled the nerve study they wanted to do to isolate the pain. Instead I let them know I am doing good and that soon, after my new insurance kicks in, that we can discuss doing the other hip.
The new job is going great and I don't feel the pressure and stress I did at the last one. I feel actually really healthy emotionally since I started a new job and got rid of some things that were causing me mental torture (aka "him"). Never again ....
I am looking forward to Christmas and spending time with my family. My sister and I grow closer all the time and I am connecting with more family members because of her. Life is great and I feel so happy now that I can move forward. It just took a little bit to get it straight in my head and heart I guess.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sniff sniff ...
All that is left of my horrible week is the sniffles. I have a slight low grade fever but I can definitely tell I am getting much better.
Snow hit today and it took me 3 hours to drive in. Funny thing is that for the first time my body didn't complain. I definitely was sick to death of sitting in my car to travel 35 miles but my back and hip are doing really well. I am feeling some slight pulling in the medius on the right side, but that pain has been there right from the start. I hope someday they will finally get that one figured out. Still have the same pain that took me to the doctor 9 months ago !
I am noticing absolutely no limp at all, no tenderness anymore in the butt cheek and the incision site tenderness is going away as well. I don't want to get my hopes up and think this finally may have been the turning point, but it's hard to not want to be extra positive after all the negative that has happened.
Now that I am feeling better I am planning to get active again and hopefully take off this 20 pounds I have gained since the surgery. I hate the way I look right now !
Snow hit today and it took me 3 hours to drive in. Funny thing is that for the first time my body didn't complain. I definitely was sick to death of sitting in my car to travel 35 miles but my back and hip are doing really well. I am feeling some slight pulling in the medius on the right side, but that pain has been there right from the start. I hope someday they will finally get that one figured out. Still have the same pain that took me to the doctor 9 months ago !
I am noticing absolutely no limp at all, no tenderness anymore in the butt cheek and the incision site tenderness is going away as well. I don't want to get my hopes up and think this finally may have been the turning point, but it's hard to not want to be extra positive after all the negative that has happened.
Now that I am feeling better I am planning to get active again and hopefully take off this 20 pounds I have gained since the surgery. I hate the way I look right now !
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