Just another Monday ...

I have decided that I am taking a break from the blog. I wanted to get in here an update sooner but to be honest there are just some people I don"t want knowing how I am or what I am going through. Since my surgery I have been through hell and back but finally feel able to stand on my own 2 feet and carry on with my life ... that is until the next one. Maybe at that time I will revist the site and start an entirely new one.
It has been probably the longest and most trying year I have ever had. Between my kidney, my spinal arthritis, my hip and the quite possibly worst relationship I have ever been in, I know I have another rough year ahead if I make the decision to go through it. Looking at the parathyroid, the remaining kidney stones and then my other hip I just know that I need another approach. I love thinking clearly and now feeling like myself again. I can deal with pain. So I definitely will take a break for the next few months and see where I can go with this.

Who knows what lies ahead. I do know though that I am going back to focusing on myself and the kids. I only want good things in my life right now, not things that make me look back with regret or sadness. My confidence level is back and I like that I don't feel mentally weak anymore. Now that all the bad things have passed I can move ahead. It's a new year so time to make some new changes. Thanks to anyone that still read after all this time and showed genuine concern for me. I don't think I would have been the same without this site.

Howdy .....

So here it is .. a new year. Hopefully 2010 is much more productive that 2009.
I am finally getting over the sickness that has been kicking my ass lately but think I have a lingering sinus infection. Now that I have insurance it looks like it's time to find a new doctor.
My hip has been hurting a little more the last couple of weeks though. It's sore to move in certain directions and I believe it is due to my change in physical activity. I have lost 13 pounds so far and my pants finally fit like they should ! I wish I could say it was voluntary but I am still struggling physically from changes in my life.
My immune system hates me and is shot too ! I have been sick pretty much since I started my new job. I have been taking a ton of vitamin C and making sure to stay hydrated. I can only be so patient though before I start to get seriously irritated.

Removed this part of the blog for really badddddd judgement. Lesson learned the hard way !

Day 19 !

I didn't realize how long it had been since my last update.
The days are flying by and I can say without a doubt that I feel almost 100% better than I did a few weeks ago.
Aside from some stiffness in my joints in the morning, I am no longer feeling the intense pain I used to feel in the hip and butt. The moods swings are gone, the irritability, the irrational thoughts and mostly just the feeling of sadness have disappeared. Holy hell I feel like myself again ! It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since my initial injury. Man what a long ass year !
I have no words really to describe how grateful I am to feel so good right now. I thought for the longest time that I was destined to leave a painfully sad life with nothing but that looming feeling over my head all the time, but all in all the patience to get through this process was well worth it.
I have more friends and family around me now than ever and it feels wonderful. Having my sister around has helped me tremendously, if for anything but moral support.
My insurance comes active on Jan. 1st and it will be time to start looking forward again and getting my right hip done. I want to take some down time though and maybe wait a good part of the year before committing. Even though my left hip feels absolutely fantastic I am worried I will be in the same position I found myself in this with this last surgery. Of course with my kidney healed and my liver enzymes going back up, it could just be a matter of time before I can truly estimate my recovery period. I have been avoiding the parathyroid issue too.

So with a new year coming up on us fast I wanted to reflect on the last year. The pain, sadness and chaos have come down to the end of the year and are ready to be leaving with it. I am looking forward to living a full life again in 2010 and I will do it, I don't have a single doubt in my mind.

Day 11

It is so hard to believe it has been 11 days now since my last dosage of medications.
I wish I could report it was a good weekend but that creepy feeling came back in my legs both Saturday and Sunday nights. I also experienced the chills something fierce. I thought by now I would be getting past the rough stuff but it appears I may have to be a little more patient.
Christmas is right around the corner and I have done absolutely nothing. It doesn't feel like it this time of year, no snow. My heart just isn't in it right now, but knowing I have yet to buy a single thing for my kids is weighing heavily on me. I am emotionally fragile right now, wondering why after almost 40 years I am alone aside from the kids. Am I really missing anything ?
I do feel sad today, heck I have felt sad for the last week thinking this feeling will never go away. The bills, the kids, the drive, a new job, Christmas .... it's like a waterfall of shit. The pressure can be so much on bad days.
There has to come a time in my life where it all comes back together. It has done nothing but fall apart since my diagnosis last April, so it's high time to get it figured out. It is time to stop hanging on hoping for a different result, that is after all the definition of insanity right ?
I must also add that I have finally sat down and got to the next chapter of my book, something I have been meaning to get to for almost a year now ! Something productive to keep my mind off of this odd road of life I am travelling. Would have been nice if someone posted a detour sign.

Day 8 ....

What a difference a week can make. I honestly thought I would give in and not make it through this withdrawal process, but I can honestly say I feel pretty good today. My body was a little stiff this morning but a nice hot shower helped a ton. The drive is becoming more bearable each day and I am finding I am not so tired all the time. I actually had energy today !
The cough is still hanging with me but definitely not at the level it was. I got some cough drops for the rough times and I am drinking tons. I am still slightly cold but definitely a huge difference from the last few days. Of course today I actually wore a sweater.
I did notice at work though that I don't just blankly stare off into nothing occasionally and I am much better at staying focused on one task instead of 4. This is going to be so beneficial to me. Keeping busy I think was the biggest key to this entire process. Sure I thought about it ... a lot, but once I was doing something else my mind drifted off to other things and I could focus on something other than the pain and the general ill feeling.
I ate my first half meal last night for the first time as well. I still felt sick, nauseated beyond belief, but for once it hit later on and not immediately. Even the upset stomach is tapering down. Heck this morning I even ate half a bagel and nothing yet so far other than a slight twinge of nausea.
This morning I felt like exercising for the first time and think I may just add this as part of my morning routine. Get up 30 minutes early, walk or hit the treadmill before going off for the day. Wow, I thought about exercise ! Not the pain, not the next medication dose or how to prevent from feeling sore. That has to mean something right ?

Day 7

So here I am, made it a week so far.
I did wake up really stiff in the hip today but nothing a little motrin didn't help with. I am still suffering from severe body temperature issues. I have had the chills more than the hot flashes though so it has been really hard to stay warm.
I have been keeping myself as busy as possible to keep my mind off of it. I woke up coughing at about 12:30 and was able to actually fall back to sleep for a change. Last night was my first night of going to sleep without help and it was only a little rough. I think I only woke up a couple of times because of some extremely vivid dreams.
I still feel clouded and tired but I can tell I have certianly gotten past the horrible part of this process and have started to get on with life. I feel good now and I can think really clearly, when over the course of the last few months I have begun to seriously question my judgement and choices I made.
So for now I will take it for what it is and enjoy being clean from this hell. Maybe in a few days the chills will stop !

Day 5 ... again

Well I am glad to report that I am feeling slightly better today. I took 1/2 a vallium after Heather's game last night and made it all the way until 4:29AM and again woke up coughing so hard I vomitted. I decided on some non-drowsy cold medicine to calm the cough and I was able to sleep a little bit more.
The legs have subsided and I am still dealing with the clammy feeling as well as the chills every now and then, but the heating pad has helped quite a bit. My joints ache all over though !
So I would like to think I have finally made it over the worst part of it and have really started to clean my system out. My stomach is still giving me issues and I can't keep any food down yet. I did try last night with half a slice of pizza but it didn't stay very long. This morning I grabbed a tangerine and that so far agreed pretty well. I am staying very hydrated so I don't make myself sicker, but as of today I have lost 8 pounds in this process.
One day at a time ....

Withdrawl ....

My updates have been few and far between due to my decision to go through the pain med withdrawal cold turkey. This started last Thursday after my update after I was told there would be no generic prescribed until my new insurance came through on Jan. 1st. As I have stated a few times, I wanted out. I did not want to have this hanging over my head anymore and I was ready.
I probably should have done more research before I did this though. I had no idea what to really expect other than a few unpleasant side effects.
Thankfully I was only on 15mg of the Oxycontin twice a day, time release. I did not abuse them in any way and took them as I was told to. The Lyrica was the same, and as I have said here I didn't really know what it was doing for me anyway.

Thursday night - I felt the first of it. I thought I was catching a cold and was sneezing like crazy. Something I had no idea was a side effect at first. The creepy crawlies soon followed at about 2am, which woke me up out of a dead sleep. I have felt that feeling before and it had me wondering if I could really do this.

Friday morning - The drive to work was horrible. My legs were crawling again, I was sleepy and could have sworn I got hit by the flu. By that time it had been almost 24 hours since my last dosage and I didn't make it through the day. I left work at 2pm thinking I was ill. Friday night I laid on the couch in agonizing pain and I couldn't sit still with my legs like they were. I soaked in the tub for a good hour and then tried to get some sleep. That went horribly. I got about 3 hours of sleep and had to head out Saturday for Heather's game.

Saturday - This is when it really hit me the worst. I coughed so hard my ribs are still sore and my stomach muscles hurt. I had the chills to the point I was playing musical chairs with my jacket and sweater. One minute I was hot and sweating and the next I was freezing and looking for any warmth. The yawning is almost stupid. I felt like I had been hit by the worst flu I have ever had and just wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to keep my mind off of it since by that time I knew exactly what it was. Heather and I went to the movies and while waiting for it to start I used the Internet on my phone and looked up just what I was going through. On the way home I stopped and grabbed some Nyquil. I figured it would help the cough and knock me out so I could get some sleep. I also had the worst stomach issues kick in that I have ever had.

Sunday - Woke up coughing so hard I vomited at about 4am. I went out and watched some TV and the crawlies started in my legs and carried all the way up my spine and past my knees. I wanted to die yesterday. I was in a sweat suit and covered with 2 blankets, freezing and then sweating back and forth. My stomach stayed upset through the entire weekend so that kept us close to home. The most I did was go with Heather to the pet store to grab some crickets for her spider, bundled up with even a knit hat on and sunglasses. I again took some Nyquil around 8:30 so I could sleep.

Today - I woke up so tired today. I was exhausted just from washing my hair in the shower. I haven't eaten a full meal in nearly 4 days and drank a diet shake for breakfast. I still have a slight case of the chills and the stomach issues are still with me. I coughed a little last night and feel so sore in my ribs. I just want to go home and lay in bed. I am sitting here at work with no desire to work or move other than to get to the restroom when I get coughing or other issues. I am feeling some slight depression and I want to cry all the time. I have been waiting for this one. The irritability is at a minimum just from the general feeling of crapiness, but I am hoping I have crossed the worst of it. Because my dosage was so small and for a short time I hope I don't become a horror story from what I have read.

I called Dr. Weingharts office and asked for assistance to get through this and was told because I no longer had insurance that they could not help me. If anyone ever reads this, please don't let a doctor convince you this medication is the way to go for any reason. They will leave you high and dry when the going gets tough and you will be faced with something you will not know how to deal with. If I had known this was what I would feel I would have asked for an alternative. One other piece of advice would be to make sure you have a support system. I am doing this completely alone and I feel so lost right now because I don't know what to do. I have no choice but to stick this out and get through it, as I am sure eventually everything will work itself out and return to normal.

It's soooo colldddddd

I can not believe this weather. It was -35 below with wind chill this morning. I don't think it got above 10 all day today like it was supposed to.
The last few days have been bliss. I don't have the pain I am used to and my back feels pretty good. I officially ran out of meds today and can't refill until Jan. 1st so it really looks like I am going to have to do withdrawl cold turkey. At this point though I am not really bothered by it. I have been feeling pretty good and there is only some slight soreness. Those things I can deal with.
I love my Backjoy too ! This thing has been wonderful for my back and I can seem to function better and not feel so much stress. I use it at work right now since the seat in my car is ergonomic and I can sit the way I need to for the pressure. I am going to definitely keep this one and see if it will work long term. I even cancelled the nerve study they wanted to do to isolate the pain. Instead I let them know I am doing good and that soon, after my new insurance kicks in, that we can discuss doing the other hip.
The new job is going great and I don't feel the pressure and stress I did at the last one. I feel actually really healthy emotionally since I started a new job and got rid of some things that were causing me mental torture (aka "him"). Never again ....
I am looking forward to Christmas and spending time with my family. My sister and I grow closer all the time and I am connecting with more family members because of her. Life is great and I feel so happy now that I can move forward. It just took a little bit to get it straight in my head and heart I guess.

Sniff sniff ...

All that is left of my horrible week is the sniffles. I have a slight low grade fever but I can definitely tell I am getting much better.
Snow hit today and it took me 3 hours to drive in. Funny thing is that for the first time my body didn't complain. I definitely was sick to death of sitting in my car to travel 35 miles but my back and hip are doing really well. I am feeling some slight pulling in the medius on the right side, but that pain has been there right from the start. I hope someday they will finally get that one figured out. Still have the same pain that took me to the doctor 9 months ago !
I am noticing absolutely no limp at all, no tenderness anymore in the butt cheek and the incision site tenderness is going away as well. I don't want to get my hopes up and think this finally may have been the turning point, but it's hard to not want to be extra positive after all the negative that has happened.
Now that I am feeling better I am planning to get active again and hopefully take off this 20 pounds I have gained since the surgery. I hate the way I look right now !

Colds suck !

I started getting sick last week and when does it hit full force ? Of course it would be Thanksgiving ! I spent half the day in bed and had to cook while jumping betwene the bed and the kitchen. I even ate dinner dressed in my pajamas.
Today I feel a little better but still have some tightness in the chest and my sinuses are killing me. I have never seen a cold like that.
The good news is that with all the time I spent in bed this weekend, my hip and back are finally feeling better. I am not walking with a limp and I haven't needed the heating pad yet in my chair at work. I traded the pain for a cold .. not sure yet if it was a fair one.
I did get out a little bit and get shopping and such done but other than that I tried to take it easy.

Tomorrow starts my month with health coverage as well. I am a little nervous about it since I have been so ill the last few days but wish me luck that I don't get hurt or sicker during that time !

Gobble gobble

2 days until Thanks giving and I am now realizing how fast this year flew !!! I wish I could say it was a good year but it was full of pain.
Between kidney surgery, facet injections, parathyroidism and now my hip I can see why everything passed by so fast. Not only was my body sad but my mind had a rough year right along side it. My heart is lonely and it's affecting my head.
I saw Dr. Weinghart today and he wants me to start taking the meds every 8 hours now instead of 12 to see if I can get some relief. I am not sure how much this will help but I am willing to try anything. He is starting me on a new medicine, forgot to write it down to link in here but I will later. It is supposed to help me sleep through the night now instead of waking up with every roll on to my hips and back. I really hope this works like he thinks it will. He basically said that we need to find something to work because I will be facing this for years to come. Yay ....
I see Dr. Erickson this afternoon and I am sure it will be like all my visits with him. Drive an hour to sit in the office for 5 minutes while he tells me this is normal and I will just have to be patient and let it heal. I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since they did this. I want to feel better already. I don't want to be patient anymore ! I am sure the topic of my right hip will come up today, but since my insurance is finished on the 30th and I will not resume coverage until Jan.1 st that it will definitely be on hold another month.
We will be spending Thanksgiving at home, nice and quiet. I have the stuff for dinner, a nice spiral ham and all the fixings. I am struggling so hard to find anything to be thankful for this year.

Short workweek !

I am so happy it's a short week.
My body is hating me this week with a passion. between the backaches and the weird hip pain I am wiped out. I am feeling pain deep in the side of my thigh and it feels almost like a prickly burning feeling .. kinda like what I felt along my pelvic rim on the right side that initially took me to the doctor. I am limping badly and my body is so stiff now, even when staying still for a short amount of time.
I have decided to start cutting calories to see if losing a few pounds will help me. My back is so sore, leaving me close to tears all day long. I was laying in bed yesterday and saw an infomercial for a thing called the BackJoy. I know it is approved by the FDA as a medical device so I am going to give it a try and see if I can't get some relief. I will definitely keep you updated !
I see both docs tomorrow and hopefully I can get some kind of progress out of this. The last few visits to Dr. Erickson I just get the "let it heal" statement and 5 minute appointments. I am still not sure how it will go with Dr. Weinghart but hopefully I can get some good information from him on how to cope with my pain and not use so many pain management drugs.
The pain is getting worse everyday and I am truly sick of it.

Week 1 done

This first week at the new job flew. I have been in so much pain it's unbelievable. We did finally have a drive home last night that was right at an hour. I keep hoping my body will start adjusting to the long rides but it hasn't.
My back is finally feeling better. Last night I took a muscle relaxer and my regular meds, soaked in a bath and went to bed. It is slow going but I am glad it doesn't feel like it did Monday. My hips are still stiff and a little painful but after a while they loosen up as long as I get up and stretch, which hasn't been much ! They are keeping me extremely busy and I seem to be fitting in to the team nicely. I am catching Brandon's cold so one thing is taking place of another. Hopefully that goes away and it's just something minor. He has been horribly ill and he isn't getting much better.
I do miss all my friends and wish I could relate to others here like I do to them. I miss having that support system and people who understood what I was going through. Who knows .. maybe soon !

What did I do ?

So this morning while I was getting ready for work I noticed a very quick pinch in my back. All I can is ouch !!!! It has progressively gotten worse as the day goes on. The pinching is all the way up to the bottom of my ribs and down both legs. This almost feels like when I herniated a disk but I literally did absolutely nothing when it started hurting like this.
The hip of course still hurts and now my groin hurts along with it. I don't know if it is the back pain adding to it but I wish it would all just go away. I am on the verge of tears and throwing up at the same time, which is such a lovely thought.
I will give this a couple of days before I get alarmed. I am chalking this up to my facet arthritis and pain in my back. The commute is starting to seriously affect my health, the sitting for hours to drive home. What have I done ? have I made the wrong decision with accepting this pisition ? Is this ever going to end with the amount of pain following my surgery ? It's just all too much right now.

New job rocks !

I started the new job on Wednesday but looking back now I should have taken a couple of days off and enjoyed a little down time.
Regardless I am enjoying things so far. The people are absolutely wonderful and I can tell I have tons of work that is going to keep me really busy. The only thing so far that has affected me is the drive. When I drove to work before it was a quick 20-25 minute shot straight down. Now it ranges from 35 minutes to an hour like today. I am so not used to traffic. It has been taking me nearly an hour and 20 minutes to get home. My body is not used to that at all. I hate driving ! So now when I get home my body is stiff and I am wiped out. I am sure eventually I will adjust, but for now I will bitch about it !
I decided to take the 24th off since I am seeing Dr. Weinghart in the morning to come up with a plan to get me off the pain medication. In the afternoon I am seeing Dr. Erickson for my month followup. My insurance ends on the 30th so I made sure to squeeze in the last visits and medication refills. I will of course get them to write next months scripts then as well. I will have coverage with my new employer within 30 days after I start so I do not have to let Cobra coverage gouge me. I did find out it is a lapse of 60 days for coverage before it's considered an existing condition, so I am safe.
Well back to work for me !

It's done

I am sitting here just waiting for the clock to tick down to my final minutes here. There is just this wave of calm that came over me this morning as I made my last drive here. The stress is gone, time for a new stress to start with learning a new job. This kind is much more exciting !
My body is sore today and I am walking pretty stiff. I have the heat going on my back as usual and it feels good. I am starting to feel weird lumps underneath my incision spots and think the scar tissue is starting to build up. You would not believe how tender it is ! I have been massaging it to loosen it up but it hurts quite a bit.
The hip feels even tighter today. I don't know if my body is just used to the pain meds and working it's way around it, but it has started to get worse lately. I am trying to convince myself that it is healing and that's all I am feeling is my body trying hard to rebuild muscle and tissue. I will be seeing Dr. Erickson on the 24th and I am really hoping by then we can decide what to do next. I want to be able to sit on a chair without my legs and lady parts falling asleep ! I know the hamstring is still tight so I have to get my butt back to stretching daily. I felt a little bit of clicking last night as I was doing some stretching and I freaked out.
My mind is everywhere today so it's best I quit now. It may be a while before I can get back here since I now have a commute but I don't plan to stop until the process is done !

One more day !

This is my last full day working at quite possibly one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had. It didn't really hit me how bad until I started getting sick and having to deal with medical issues. Making up time for appointments with night and weekend work, doing what I could out of guilt to get back to work after major surgery on my hip ... it just hits you all at once I think. I even used all of my sick days and vacation to follow the doctors orders and take a week off after my scope.

This weekend was extremely rough on the hip. I skipped meds on Saturday night so I could go to happy hour with my sister and her husband, and man did I pay for it at about 4am. I couldn't even sleep my legs hurt so bad. I felt those creepy crawlies again in my legs all the way up and down. Once I took the Oxy I was better but I went 24 hours without the Lyrica. Once I grabbed that from the pharmacy and took it I started to feel better. I hate this so much. I hate having to depend on little pills to make me feel better every day. I feel like my hip is never going to heal. I can't sit now for more than 20 minutes at a time and my back aches pretty much all the time. The pain is more in the center of the cheek and right around the hamstring insertion. Back to the heat I guess ....

Day 5 - Fail

So it isn't going as I planned ! I gave in and had to get back on the pain medication. The pain has been unbearable and I wish I had the ability to be stronger. It feels like my back is the source of more than half of it but my hip is still not feeling better.
Today the pain is better but along the bottom of the left cheek is horrible. I am not able to sit for long periods of time. The entire side on my hip is tender and sore, surely pain that was being masked by the Oxy. I am scheduling an appointment with Dr. Weinghart to see what options I have to do this without going cold turkey and suffering. I really think I am going to have to do the Facet Injections again if I am going to have any relief. The cold is getting at my other joints now too so I need to get things under control before I lose my mind !
I feel like a failure, but I knew when I started what I was up against.

Day 3 detox

OMG .... the pain !!! That's all I can really say this morning.
My back is hurting so badly and there is nothing I can do other than to give in and take a pill. It's Tylenol for now and see how it works. My hip is definitely giving me problems as well and I had hoped it wouldn't be this bad. I can feel it mostly on the bottom of my butt cheek. It's getting difficult to sit for a long period of time too. I am going to try and soak tonight in a hot bath and try some of the yoga stretching exercises I learned to see if I can actually get a full nights sleep. I had thought of taking Tylenol PM but it defeats the whole purpose of getting off pain medications.
The headache is easing which helps a ton. I don't want to be a flaming bitch during this process, but this would be a good time to do it while I am getting ready to leave this job. So back to work .... maybe.